What has brought you to this point?

          People act like it is nothing to put trust in someone enough to let them in their home, not knowing who they really are, yet find it so hard to put trust in the unknown of the unseen. Yes, these same people are so scared to have faith in spiritual unfolding but not to have faith in something that could actually harm them by welcoming someone in their life to get close without question. Doesn't seem all that logical yet we all have done it.

     In our immaturity we request things as an ultimatum, allowing our faith to diminish when not received. Yet in our maturity we have understanding that we don't get what we want at all times by these requests or even when we request them. Unfortunately if we received everything we asked for based on what we wanted, promising to do something as long as it was given to us then it would be like only being friends with someone as long as you get something out of them in return, even if you have no intention to fulfill the promise that you've made to begin with. This would be an unstable foundation to any friendship. Faith is based on placing our trust that we receive what falls within the purpose of the great design meant for us. It saddens me actually, when I look back on my own life or meet people who let things tear them away from a great life because not everything is easy to face and we must wait for an unknown amount of time for our purpose to unfold. Yes, I forgive myself since I was merely immature and I do not judge or hate anyone but I question why within ignorance we would speak first instead of think about what we're actually saying. It is important to take each day with a grain of salt not placing worry in what is behind or ahead. Sometimes it is easy to fail at this test, for me, but I know logically if the whole day I'm not able to snap out of whatever misery is holding me down, even if I have tried everything, then I'll be able to start fresh as long as a new day dawns. Patience is not easy and neither is a faith driven life. Life is a spiritual battle, everyday we must overcome and claim our victories. Spirituality doesn't unfold over night, it is meant to be pruned, waited on and patiently endured until we come to a point of harvesting the fruit. If we don't nurture growth then the growth we did have may wither or stay where we are for as long as we allow it. Just as the seasons change, we do within our maturity. To be a healthy spiritual individual we need to be persistent and not give up based on what happens in our life, the war will be and will continue, yet unless we persistently prepare before these storms we will falter the whole way through them. I don't expect to convince nor do I expect any longer that people will read or respond to my thoughts and tidbits of emotional writings, though I will continue to in my understanding of self revelation.

     My heart is heavy for all those who confuse and base their life impacting decision of overall belief and faith on a struggle that they either don't face today or that they wanted the opposite to happen. Praying in ultimatum that we would do something to receive something is like saying if you do not receive it then your life is over or you cut off the relationship just like that, not true. Why so angry over something out of your control? The reality is, we aren't always requesting something to better ourselves. Neither is the prayer the best answer for us because we don't always know whats good for us, even if we always got what we wanted. Think about it, did you always get what you wanted from your parents? I know some people have gotten most but I find it hard to believe that everything you requested from your parents growing up was in agreement with what they wanted for you. Likewise as to what your parents want for you, it doesn't always perfectly match what would be best for you and your future. Our future is unknown therefore we can't make the best present decision not knowing what the future holds, we just think we know the ideal play out and plan based on what would make life easier for us. How do we know sometimes we don't get the opposite of what we ask because of how we react to not getting it, or that we needed the test of faith in order to blossom, yet sometimes this is when people chose to let it dim them? Unfortunately, when we live outside of educating ourselves in spirituality and live in ignorance of the truth nothing is promised, everything remains meaningless, just as the possessions that collect dust and moths destroy.

     Recently, I have come to realize I let people effect me in a way I don't quite understand. I let people restrict me in conversation and my spiritual growth with them and with myself because I am passive about  their feelings, it is personal. It is important to me to keep my mouth shut and have someone come to me, mostly because I don't like making anyone feel uncomfortable. I remember praying for things as a logical give and take but we all know it simply doesn't work like this. Now I am grateful that my immature prayers were never provided. Why, because not everything we ask for is really necessary and it is not always for our greater good in our growth, like a boy, a child or job we thought would better our life. Let me hit you with a real question...how can you say you don't believe in the unseen if you believe in spirituality? Better yet, how can you say that you don't believe when you simply are unsure or are not feeding yourself within, to answer the questions with truth, by allowing your spirit to show you? My point is we shouldn't make a concrete decision on not having sustainable information or base it on others walks of life or religions. How can anyone say that we do not go anywhere when we're not actually the ones to determine this, our soul/spirit leaves this body and state of mind. There is so much more to life then the physical, I do not need you to be convinced that there is because if you would rather die and not live after death that does not effect my eternity. I just don't understand where you come from, and would love to know what the personal struggle is. I have been a friend of death before and have even kissed it multiple times, but until I realized it is an enemy that wants you to be satisfied within its eternal darkness and misery, I did not understand that life continues on through it. It shouldn't take showing or experience to have faith, gratefully I never lost faith or hope in anything, these experiences were just confirmation for me personally. Everyone is different and we all need different experiences and revelations to feel fulfilled in purpose and promise. We also need to admit that we do not know it all and surrender to the unknown otherwise we restrict ourselves in really receiving what is meant for us. I have compassion for people who don't have any relationship with themselves, enough to admit we just never know it all. If I am not meant to carry on after this life then so be it but I will never say that I will just die to nothingness, not with out a fight. there is more to me then that. Realistically you aren't even trying and you have no courtesy to your own soul based on answering what your spirit knows, yet you doubt.

   
     What makes me ill is the fact that people who claim or admit that there is nothing after this life have nothing to base their decision on besides their anger of not getting what they have wanted. Or maybe their life hasn't lived up to their fairy tale expectation, who knows, I surely don't, though I am trying to make sense of it. Nothing is perfect since we are not perfect. Life is a struggle and it throws curve balls. I have a relationship with Jesus and I live through the Holy Spirit, this helps me personally to hit those curve balls out of the park. If you don't have or don't want a personal relationship with God because you don't know for yourself or others have impacted your faith then I encourage you to seek for yourself. This is not about religion it's about seeking yourself and finding the truth on your own with support of those who love you, whether passed on or still around you. We can not know someone or something with out  getting to know them or the subject. This has nothing to do with pushing a religion, it's about knowing what is within you not always what happens and what is around you. If I based my faith on everything around me I have missed the point, I lack the understanding that I am so much more then the physical. If we don't exercise our spirit then how can we think that we will grow at all? Don't be so quick to give up your spirit to nothingness rather then knowing there is so much more.
     So I digress, what has brought you to this point in deciding as to why you won't put a little more into yourself instead of living day in and day out, year after year, not molding yourself in something more then what you see? Do you not understand that you are worth so much more then your wounds or past burdens? I pray you give your spirit the opportunity to show you, instead of quicker rejecting your spirit entirely, whether or not it is contrary to what your mind has formed as belief. Keep in mind that there is still evil and good within spirituality and it is important to be able to discern this spirit in order to not stray from what is right and true. Just because someone says they are a spiritual person does not mean they do not wish you harm. Be aware, test the spirit that leads you, to not be fooled.


A few more proverbs:

Proverbs 12:26

A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.

Proverbs 27:5-6

Better is open rebuke than hidden love.  Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

Proverbs 17:17

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Proverbs 13:20

He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.

Proverbs 27:17

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Death by Right, Love by Choice

Thoughts on religions and church

Not to say anything offensive to anyone who feels comfortable in their religion and church community, but there are reasons people choose not to attend church. I still pray to find that community and membership, as well as know others do as well. I think it is important to understand why rather then quickly judge anyone. I know it is not for us to understand everyone and their actions but we must understand simply that there is a reason for everything and accept that people have their own spiritual battles to overcome. It does not help to try to plant yourself somewhere and feel the spirit of division, accusation, and judgement in a place where we are supposed to find love, peace, and acceptance. I am happy for you none the less if you have a supportive community and healthy study habits of the scriptures. There are some really great people who are of many different religions and backgrounds. I am the last to judge anyone and the only one I will is myself. With that being said I have been having a lot of issues with the "Church". I place it in quotes because I am referring to church in general and not the body of the church of Christ. I think it is very important to have a relationship with others who have like mindedness and are members of Christ's body. There are so many churches and some will even claim that they are the only ones that will make it to heaven, absurd really. I can almost laugh now, but there was a time where there was a kindling anger to hear people say that Heaven and being close to God was only for them (Leaving any community, religion, or person who has said this out, since to me it's like calling others fools for having faith). At this point, Jesus would probably tell us a parable if we were to claim this and it probably would be similar to the parable of the sower. Religion is a personal preference to follow the rules within and the beliefs of someone else's understanding or revelation, but spirituality is a personal experience learning through wisdom and understanding through a personal walk, either growing in the Holy Spirit or something else that will falter. The point is we need to be able to at least discern where these revelations and teachings are coming from by not leaning on our own understanding and praying about a message we have heard for confirmation. These are merely recent thoughts I have had since my heart is heavy about someone saying my spirituality was my opinion. Not true, spirituality is not an opinion, it is the truth in which is revealed from preparation, practice and discernment of the enemy. Truth is revealed when this is all you seek and the Lord has promised to reveal himself if you seek him. It is alright to know where you are going and it is alright to face where you have been so that you can forgive and move on from how you used to be. I am who I am, who are you to say who I am or what I should be? There is only one who has the authority to do this and that is the Messiah who teaches us through scripture and who will reveal your purpose when you are ready to know. The enemy will always promise what he never had intention to deliver yet we know someone who promises a life we can not fathom by simply accepting him. Who is your enemy someone who fluffs up the truth in order to get you to do what they want or someone who tells it like it is which may hurt at first by facing it but will help you grow in the end?  We seriously do get out what we put in and when we follow Jesus we reap so much more. If you are easily offended because of lack of understanding, disbelief, confusion, questioning or simply because of ignorance to the truth then please read no further. Hypocrisy, judgement and money are just to name a few of the main reasons people fall away or do not attend church at all. I could share some other reasons from my own experience in leaving quite of few places but this is actually about something bigger. Jesus taught us to do right in the sight of God the father, to keep our morals, and do what convicts our spirit through his father's discipline. God loves a joyful giver yes, but how can one be a joyful giver when it is out of pressure...see what I mean? If you have felt convicted to tithe, then this is between you and the Lord and for no one else's information. An offering is something completely different from tithing, it is anything outside the 10%  tithing law that was set before us in the old testament. (If you didn't know, tithe means 10%)  I must say I completely agree that hypocrisy is one of the major reasons we are still so far from heavenly father and obviously so did the worlds savior, Jesus Christ. Don't take this the wrong way he never said not to attend church or not to have a community or a religion but he never commanded us to either. Jesus taught on the Sabbath in the synagogues through out scripture, but whether it be every week we can not even assume so. There was times on a Sabbath they were all on foot which is where the pharisees tried calling him out when he is teaching listeners parables and healing those who needed healing. I, like many others, work on most of the days that are truly Sabbath, they are different every week based on 6 working non holy days and the 7th day being the Sabbath which was not calculated continuously with it being the same day every week since we need to count six days after the Sabbath day which was also broken up by the new moon month calendar. This is based on  how the Sabbath is calculated historically in the old testament, It has been a challenge for me to find the true Sabbath and actually keeping it holy since there is no possible way to have over 52 scheduled days off a year with a 5 day with continuous working week job. Most religions have made a non-conventional Sabbath on a Saturday or Sunday based on a continuous week that was given to us by rulers. I have studied the bible on and off for many years and have read every day for over a year and do not think I will ever stop reading daily ever again. However, unfortunately I am still praying to find like minded people for communion who are not the judgmental ones who claim to follow Jesus but really don't and do not even eat the word on a daily basis. This is in no way an effort to say you should read the bible or to bible push you into an everyday reading or devotion. Reality is if you don't and you call yourself a believer and a follower then you should rethink it entirely since no one can truly seek with all their heart, mind and soul to follow, yet not read and still gain understanding or receive wisdom on the word. I chose to read because I chose to learn everything there is to know about Jesus because I love him and want to prepare myself for his love. There has not been one church that I have attended that I have not felt outcast and judged. Sad, right? I am the type of person that loves praising in church but have come to find myself on my own on many levels. Jesus promised he would build the church and taught us that no man was worthy but by grace we can come to his father through him. We have to receive this with joy that he will build the church because he is the foundation but we also have to accept that the churches around us will include modern day pharisees and hypocrisy similar to the generation he lived in.

Jesus really put a spin on and brought light to man made thoughts and religion when he came around and if you notice people followed him, not religion. What is religion if it is not doing something over and over again that you love, if we were able to find Jesus in Church many of us would have never fallen away in the first place. If people really had religion in doing what they loved, serving with joy then they would not be so burdened by their thoughts of resentment towards another's life, sins and growth in the Spirit, casting them down while lifting themselves up in self love and righteousness. With this being said it is simple to justify that we would love church and the community at all times the same way we love him at all times if the atmosphere lived up to the Christ Mind expectations. I am sorry if you are dealing with rebuking nature or judgement from people at church, you should not have to feel like that in a house of God. Its so hard because honestly I know the enemy has risen through the church, before the generations Jesus came, it may sound terrible for me to say but it is true and I find it hard to believe that one church is not infected with the same demon since they are all man made through their rituals, worship, laws, rules etc. All the true followers seem to be alone no matter where they go even as far back as Noah. It is nice to have community and it helps with prayer, I just feel like if and when I go somewhere I can always find something that is not Christ like, and I am not looking to dissect the words of teachings. Discernment is hard to avoid when you know how Jesus would react or what he would say to something being said. Unlike him, it's hard for me to speak out in this matter since unless the Spirit speaks I must remain silent. I was reflecting in this recently since in all the old testament there are very few people who are able to remain in faith as well as be acceptable to God due to rebellious ways and immorality. I can relate for sure in my despair and am grateful I have made it out of the pit to live to tell the story. Jesus is the foundation of the church he has laid a worthy foundation for his father. My point is he built it and humans run it on earth but reality is when the church/bride (which are the members his body) are ready he will come down and get her but the temple is not here and no man can build anything worthy because we all fall short. So this is why it will be coming down from heaven. He lays it...Matthew 16:18  no one can lay any foundation 1 Cor 3:11 These are just a couple verses of confirmation -- he promised he would be the one that builds the church, does this mean we should wait and thrive alone? Surely not, this is why I continue to fast and pray for a greater calling in gifts and service. Through Jesus' teachings we can understand that we should not judge lest we should be judged but if we must judge should it not be not judge those who claim to follow the law of the father and teachings of the son and most of all ourselves over anyone else. Reference Matthew 7:1-3

Matthew 16:18

 And I say also unto thee, That thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.

1 Corinthians 3:11-15

11 For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. 12 If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, 13 their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work. 14 If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. 15 If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the flames. 

1 Corinthians 5:12-13

For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.” 

1 Corinthians 11:31

But if we were more discerning with regard to ourselves, we would not come under such judgment. 

Acts 7: 48-50

 “However, the Most High does not live in houses made by human hands. As the prophet says:

 “‘Heaven is my throne,
    and the earth is my footstool.
What kind of house will you build for me?
says the Lord.
    Or where will my resting place be?

Has not my hand made all these things?’

Acts 17:24-28

24 “The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earthand does not live in temples built by human hands. 25 And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. 26 From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. 27 God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. 28 ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’[b] As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’

2 Corinthians 5: 1-6

For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, an house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed upon with our house which is from heaven: If so be that being clothed we shall not be found naked. For we that are in this tabernacle do groan, being burdened: not for that we would be unclothed, but clothed upon, that mortality might be swallowed up of life. Now he that hath wrought us for the selfsame thing is God, who also hath given unto us the earnest of the Spirit. Therefore we are always confident, knowing that, whilst we are at home in the body, we are absent from the Lord:

Death by Right, Love by Choice.

Thoughts of the Month

Reflecting throughout this month of thoughts and actions, especially the last week since it was a big month for me with facing and resisting old temptations as well as discerning the spirits around me. I surrender my life to love and only seek to surround myself with it. Selfishness is hard to tolerate when you are trying to remain balanced within spirit. Sometimes when we are more aware of our surroundings we are able to discern the fruits of the enemy compared to the fruits of the Holy Spirit. When someone is not concerned about you or what you are going through and they are only thinking about themselves they are more then likely recovering from what ever they are personally dealing with. Some people think that what they are going through is more important then what you are. Notice by their actions and reactions to what you are going through, and unfortunately even know they think their struggle is worse it doesn't mean it is the reality. Everyone has their struggles in which they need to cope on their own. This feeling of superiority is an illusion to them and what some psychiatrists consider normal since they promote selfishness in recovery, this defeats the purpose doesn't it, since your addiction and personal issues are due to selfishness to begin with? The difference of someone living in the Holy Spirit compared to the enemy is their self pity and absorption of what they want from people or their feeling of entitlement. What makes one more of a victim then another? Attitude and dwelling in the past or worrying about things that are uncontrolled by us. We can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped and we can't awaken someone who doesn't want to keep their eyes open. Just like we can pray all we want for someones wellness and unless they receive it they will not be well. Being self conscious and self aware of your own personal restrictions whether it be socially or professionally is necessary in order to drive passed them. However, there is a difference between being selfish because you can as a crutch through recovery or coping and being selfish out of focusing to become well. How can we tell if we are being so burdened by our own recovery that we continue hurting others around us? It is simple, if we want to change then we will change, if we are depressed because we need to change to get well then this is our selfish tendencies outweighing our path of recovery.

Just because it makes us feel better to hear doesn't necessarily mean we are accepting the truth. Be careful what you receive in your heart, lies are not a substitute for comfort they are merely a temporary solution to hurt and the perfect illusion to truth.~Me 7/21/14

It is funny how growing up and out of our irresponsible rebellion can change what temptations actually effect or encounter us. I used to go to concerts a lot more then I am able to now, mostly because I have a full time job and limited paid time off. Obviously when we are younger some of us, more then others, like to take the full scene in and get involved in things which others would not dream or think about. This was my problem, I had dreams and thoughts to try anything that came my way, and unfortunately I did, but fortunately I am at the point in my life that I can look beyond the surface of the experience and not seek after what makes its way to me. There are way more important things then wasting money on a needless experiment with mind and body. Nothing is worth temporary effects to feel good when the consequences could be irreversible and result in loss of life. Substance abuse and addiction is no joke, it is a real disease and many go through it while younger and some will continue their whole lives chasing after a feeling. Self-help is the first step to recovery. What a difference time and faith has done to change my life around for the better and more responsible in the matters of facing temptation and resisting negative urges. It feels good to care about myself and body, as well as accept my life as a whole knowing that although it may not have been the will of God that I faltered, it was the will of God that I returned to my first love, him. After this week and the experience I had, I feel closer again to him, may I continue to walk in his will and I pray that my eyes remain open to see the enemy coming so I can discern the right choices.

May we remember, on the road to recovery forgiveness of the past is important to move passed who you were so you can become what you are meant to be. Whether it be forgiveness of self or others we need to accept their is nothing we can do to change what was or what will be, but we can focus on changing ourselves right now. If we start focusing on how we feel and facing what caused that feeling then we can move on from the hurt it causes. Putting off facing it or numbing the pain is only temporary, yank the band-aid and let the air heal it.  Time to face it and wake up from living a life in lack of concern of self and others.

In forgiveness there should be no partiality. If you are going to forgive then do it with your whole heart. Otherwise, you keep yourself open to that lingering bitterness which restricts you from receiving the grace that comes from forgiveness.~Me 7/10

If you're dealing with addiction, or substance abuse, know that although it's a life long journey it's not impossible. If you know that it won't do anything positive for your life then you will be able to start making decisions which lead to sobriety. I pray that you receive the peace along the path of wellness, always. 

Death by Right, Love by Choice.

Scam Artists

Have you ever been or ever thought you were being scammed? In the age of internet where all parts of the world are connected, we are more susceptible and vulnerable for this to happen. You may get an email about sending you a check to deposit into your account, or that they have an inheritance they would like to share because they thought you were perfect to share with. If you do not know the source of the email we are educated enough not to open it, but what happens when you are approached by a stranger on facebook or other social media site which you can actually interact on and see their persons profile? I think most have closed themselves off from this ever happening to them, not because they do not want to help those in need or reach out to be a guiding light of faith, but because they guard their heart better then others. This is my problem I think, I failed to guard my heart from being open to let people in and when they get in, it is hard to shut them out. When you are approached by a scammer you may be too naive to see it. I can admit that I have been nearly fooled on more then one occasion. Thankfully I have not taken an invalid check or fallen into a fraud situation in my accounts and money. I do not know what is worse though, what I have been going through or falling for that, I guess it depends if this whole thing is real or not. But it's sad really because my heart remains so soft that I forgive them for what they do in order to provide the mercy that they need. Maybe it is all in hopes to reach someones heart to change their ways. Just because some of us are naive and we come into realization eventually that we have been possibly taken advantage of, doesn't mean that we need to be hateful towards them.

There are so many people who are willing to expose you and manipulate you it tears my heart apart. You never know who is being genuine, especially behind a computer screen or random skype/phone call. We know there are many poor nations out there and my heart wants to help, naturally. We must be made of stone if we don't have that natural instinct to help. I do not know what to do. I have started a relationship with a boy which has lasted around three years or longer now. Everything he says makes it seem like he is just a boy who needs help and spiritual guidance. I helped him a lot for a long time financially and supposedly helping him finish his high school diploma, providing for his books etc. At the time he was no older then 16 or so, by now he must be 19. He has completed his secondary degree and is ready to get work in the area for any job which requires a high school diploma. My heart is heavy though, since I know his face and have talked to him via skype and phone. I want to believe him with everything I am in compassion as a women in Christ. It is hard, I stopped sending him money and stopped responding to his emails for a very long time until recently. I decided that I need to follow through with what I preach about, love and forgiveness and express my forgiveness and move passed it in every way possible. I still to this day do not know of his sincerity or if the life he lives is really what he is saying in truth. When you communicate with someone for so long and you are like a support system to them and almost like family to them, even with the distance, it is difficult to block or de-friend them. But, is it because you want to keep them around so you can investigate if they are genuinely telling the truth or keep an eye on them, or is it simply because you are trying to be the light in a dark situation? I do not want to speak negatively or do anything negative to someone to hurt them if all was true and by the works of fate that brought us together. I am not a mother, I do not have children, I have lost a couple and almost lost my life in the process, so of course I long that mothering nature. I do not want to be another subject of a scam though because I am easily trusting out of being naive. Thankfully I have learned somethings so I am not as naive as I used to be but if I still am melting in thinking about investigating this outright then there still must be something naive about me still right? I am trying to guard my heart and not act on anything that I am not led to do spiritually. So I decided, since I know the city he lives and the cafe he goes to, I can research the area and try and find ministries to help. Hopefully I will be successful. I have also emailed the owner of the cafe  in hopes I can validate some information about what he has said about the attendant allowing him to use the computer by sweeping inside. I pray for revelation and peace to come over me because at this point I am distressed since my first instinct is to send money, though I know if he has a serious problem, this is not going to resolve the issue, since I am not able to be this type of relationship to him. When someone knocks at your door and says I am hungry can I have something to eat, would you not feed them? I would rather act to look on ministries and local churches to provide the help and assistance with provisions for someone in need. If we have we should freely give, I feel like I have for so long and now I seek the answers in order to either put this to rest or continue to help when I am able. If it causes you distress, the fact of un-surety and not knowing, then I would assume that you should not act until that spirit of confusion passes over and you receive peace. Hopefully light will shine soon, because my heart feels burdened with  the verses that run through my mind in this situation.
Helping the needy reflection:

Hebrews 13:16 Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.

Proverbs 19:17 Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed. 

Proverbs 28: 27 Whoever gives to the poor will not want, but he who hides his eyes will get many a curse. 

Luke 6: 38  Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.

Matthew 5:42 Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you. 

All is well with these verses that effect me in faith, but I also think we have the right to know if people are using evil intentions in order to manipulate. So although these verses show us that what I am doing is trying to live out faith, we must not be naive, we must seek truth at all times being wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove.

Death by Right, Love by Choice.

Outcast

There are times where we all may feel outcast. I know virtually we are all connected to the point where there is limited privacy and there are people who you do not know from all over the world who talk to you, no one knows a strangers intentions. Some may be trying to manipulate you to send them money by telling false sob stories and others try to use you to push you to the limit of what you would do. For example, they may ask you questions about the culture so they can talk down on it which can bring them feeling of superiority, they may ask you about coming to the country, try to talk sweet to you in order to get over here, or even have the nerve to ask if you will marry them for a green card. These strangers that flow abundantly into our pool of followers and friend requests may even just be trying to talk to you perversely because they think american culture is all about sex and not morals yet they are the ones who are seeking seduction, and speaking about what their flesh desires. Ultimately, when we choose to share ourselves as an open book we need to be prepared for the judgement that comes along with it. The world has many different cultures and they are often divided among each other with no unity to the next causing tension instead of a peaceful sojourning together. If people don't understand the way another nation's culture is and their answers typically come from the internet and seeing what we all post noticing there are major differences between each family then it is very likely that perception will remain with little interest of seeking truth. I could go on and on about the American culture since it is such a broad topic and quite controversial, but this is a post about feeling outcast.

Sometimes when there is silence with the people who are closest to you, when they don't talk to you for a day or more it can get lonely when you are single, or even in a relationship with someone. This loneliness has been known to bring us down or maybe to a state of depression. Not meeting and making friends in the work place makes some days a dreadful experience going in since you can feel purposely ignored or left out. I try to focus on the fact that I am not there to make friends I am here as a whole to live with purpose and be a shining light for others to notice. Eventually though, the silence can make you feel like no body is there for you, to support you or keep you accountable and you have no where to turn for guidance or incite to excel beyond the position you are in. Just because people in the world, friends, family or other supposed like minded acquaintances do not talk to you everyday or leave you out and it makes you feel lonely, it does not mean that you are alone or unloved. Actually it can mean quite the opposite. As I always encouraged my fiance, before he passed, since often he felt like he was not liked or unloved, an unpopular man to people is a blessed and holy man as he walks in justice and seeks righteousness. It is "Ok" to feel separate and different from others, especially when your heart is in the right place, showing love and compassion. I try to reassure myself of this since I know there is nothing "wrong" with me, I am beautifully made and a product of my parents unconditional love and the suffering I have overcome. I understand, since I go through and battle my thoughts everyday on this subject how burdening it can be, to not feel favored or blessed with attention. We all need nurturing to grow and some more then others but it should not take the attention from people, bad or good, in order to feel like we are loved. We need to remember Love is something that is within and all around us and we must know it is in order to feel fulfilled by it. We may enjoy the love of others surrounding us but we do not need their love to live. Often we confuse the way we feel whether it be hurt, or in emotional bliss with love. We place all these labels on feelings, when it is many different emotions through energy to different people. I can say one thing, and the next person may say another, but ultimately we all know that love feels good because it is all good and it is all around us. If it doesn't feel right to us, and it brings us sorrow, pain, and/or injustice then we can assume that love is not behind it.

When Lee (my said husband) was alive he shared to me who I was to him in love. To my excitement, which is rare to me, it was a bible verse (my first love). I would like to share this with you because I think it outlines it very well, and too this day, knowing I was all this to him, fulfills me as a women in Christ. I will always love him and who he was and I know that love will live on for eternity through the promises of what it is because love grows and does not diminish or perish. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Death by Right, Love by Choice.

After the fast

Fasting is always a difficult start since at first you want to do what you set out to fast from. My hardest and most depressing day of any type of fast is the first day. Maybe it is because you are setting up to wait for the signal to break it and are anticipating how long it could actually be until you are able to. I took some notes on the fast and I had some trying times as well as some temptations I had to overcome. Obviously no one is perfect and I am only human so although I know that I was not completely successful in everything that came for me I know that I did pretty well for growth in becoming through a contrite heart. Some trials are easier to take on then others. I think the most difficult one while I was away from all social media over 30 days was the pain that has overcome me physically.

In 2005 I was involved in a head on collision going to work early morning and a women did not turn through the curve and instead went straight over the line into me at 50MPH or so. This caused my car to hit a guard rail and flip multiple times landing on my roof. I was able to crawl out of my car safely to the edge of the road and call someone. In the midst of all this it was like I became paralyzed and unable to move so I laid down to wait for the paramedics. This crash has set me up for a life long chronic back issue which is very disabling when it acts up. Doctors are able to keep it under control with epidural injections as well as nerve blocking shots so that I can continue to work and not have to continue on disability. If I couldn't work, I would go crazy. Work besides school are the only disciplines I know at this point besides reading the bible each day. Anyway I was able to go to New York to visit my parents who I haven't seen for 17 months and since I lost my fiance to a heart condition. It is a pretty long drive from North Carolina to the Finger Lakes area and I was a passenger to my lovely sister and her husband. My back had enough, and nerve pain shoots down to my foot throbbing continuously. At moments there was relief but this has definitely been the worst since that day in the accident. I have been going to specialists for years now and seek out a more permanent solution maybe to prolong the inevitable fact that I could wake up paralyzed one day if it does not get addressed.

Point is whatever you fast from brings you enlightenment and revelation to other things and most of the time multiple things you may have never thought of unless you were disciplined enough to follow through. I enjoyed the time away, although I missed posting each day and wondered how many people would be gone out of my path by the time I returned, I know that it brought me peace in the reason why I did it in the first place, hurtful posts.



Death by Right, Love by Choice.

Social Media Fast

With all the hustle bustle in the world and people always rushing around, we need to take a moment to reflect sometimes. It's an on the go society with everything at our fingertips. Always so pressured with what to be like and not to be like. Even if someone says they want you to be yourself, think about it, they really don't. As hard as that may be to swallow, too bad it's true. Anything that you do that someone can't agree with or understand they will ultimately deny or turn away from. So, I decided today I will start a fast away from all connected drama that life has become. Here and now where privacy is the past and all dirty laundry is on the line if you put it there or where you can become somebody great to complete strangers. Some days I feel like somebody great because those kind strangers give me a reason to, but sadly those who I have known and thought I was closer to have given me reason not to. After realizing, and maybe thinking too much, it has come to my attention that I am my bestfriend because I am who will be there even when the cellphone doesn't ring or give me a notification that I was waiting for. Silence has become something I have learned I need to endure. By embracing this solitude I can feel something peaceful and fulfilling. Lets face it, silence does not always mean peace. It seems like when its quiet there is more time to get wrapped up in thoughts. Since we are the only ones with our thoughts at any given moment, we are the only ones who can turn them around or be consumed by them to manifest a feeling. All of the attention given to others over self could be more focused on self and bring us much needed fulfilling revelation. How have we become so dependent on the internet that we are so absorbed in devices scrolling images and statuses of not so well thought out thoughts? Life is boring because we are becoming lazier not because there is nothing better we could be doing with our time then to sit and post. Today I'm going to make it a point to step away, it's been 5 days away from Facebook and today I extend it around all the networks. I will be taking notes and updating my progress, in the end. Not sure how long I will be led to do this but I will continue as long as I feel is necessary.

Thanks to all of you who do support me mentally, and emotionly. Love and peace. See you around. <3

#SocialMediaFast

Friendship and Anger

Reflecting on how so many people in this world just don't know how or when to let go after years of something that was not that big of a deal in the first place. In addition, that had nothing more to do with the fact that the person may have been dealing with social awkwardness and a possible severe mental condition that resulted in destructive behavior. Like many, I have made some shotty choices in my life and it has reflected friendships that simply weren't strong enough to handle the bumps along the way. I find most will hold onto anger and be in your life now simply to watch you fail for their own joy to be fulfilled. I don't think anything justifies purposely hurting someone who may have hurt you unknowingly or even knowingly in the past. To have a more fulfilling life, it is necessary to "Let go and let God" because karma is always the result of someone purposely doing something to someone else or bad intentions altogether. You should not be friends with someone you do not like or think you are better than and I find this is the result of American culture. People will be friends with someone just because their lives are not as "Great" as theirs because of their complex or competitive nature, so they feel better about their own. I guess whatever makes you strive to be successful can be your own pride which does not necessarily come from the best intentions or focus on the feelings of others. "Success" may not be something that runs in a lot of families but this is something that we need to ask: What is "Success" to them? Maybe they feel that they are successful for holding a job and raising a family where as others success derives from money and material things. Who knows? All I can reflect and be grateful for are those who do care for my wellness and unconditionally love me despite the childish nature of what love and fun used to be to me. Unlike many, I would not expect people to feel sorry for me when I know I made the bed I lay in everyday and would never use my unfortunate past or mental condition to get attention. Common people will serve money and government and not God in this Nation. The idea of what America should be and what it has become is so off base, somewhere between slavery and war the "dream" got off track. There is enough negativity that holds me down everyday and would rather not have pity be one of them. May I ignore those who find it so easy to ignore me and move past those who do not forgive or understand because these are the truly unfortunate. Here are two reflections of photos I snapped in addition to quotes added.

Death by Right, Love by Choice.