After the fast

Fasting is always a difficult start since at first you want to do what you set out to fast from. My hardest and most depressing day of any type of fast is the first day. Maybe it is because you are setting up to wait for the signal to break it and are anticipating how long it could actually be until you are able to. I took some notes on the fast and I had some trying times as well as some temptations I had to overcome. Obviously no one is perfect and I am only human so although I know that I was not completely successful in everything that came for me I know that I did pretty well for growth in becoming through a contrite heart. Some trials are easier to take on then others. I think the most difficult one while I was away from all social media over 30 days was the pain that has overcome me physically.

In 2005 I was involved in a head on collision going to work early morning and a women did not turn through the curve and instead went straight over the line into me at 50MPH or so. This caused my car to hit a guard rail and flip multiple times landing on my roof. I was able to crawl out of my car safely to the edge of the road and call someone. In the midst of all this it was like I became paralyzed and unable to move so I laid down to wait for the paramedics. This crash has set me up for a life long chronic back issue which is very disabling when it acts up. Doctors are able to keep it under control with epidural injections as well as nerve blocking shots so that I can continue to work and not have to continue on disability. If I couldn't work, I would go crazy. Work besides school are the only disciplines I know at this point besides reading the bible each day. Anyway I was able to go to New York to visit my parents who I haven't seen for 17 months and since I lost my fiance to a heart condition. It is a pretty long drive from North Carolina to the Finger Lakes area and I was a passenger to my lovely sister and her husband. My back had enough, and nerve pain shoots down to my foot throbbing continuously. At moments there was relief but this has definitely been the worst since that day in the accident. I have been going to specialists for years now and seek out a more permanent solution maybe to prolong the inevitable fact that I could wake up paralyzed one day if it does not get addressed.

Point is whatever you fast from brings you enlightenment and revelation to other things and most of the time multiple things you may have never thought of unless you were disciplined enough to follow through. I enjoyed the time away, although I missed posting each day and wondered how many people would be gone out of my path by the time I returned, I know that it brought me peace in the reason why I did it in the first place, hurtful posts.



Death by Right, Love by Choice.

Social Media Fast

With all the hustle bustle in the world and people always rushing around, we need to take a moment to reflect sometimes. It's an on the go society with everything at our fingertips. Always so pressured with what to be like and not to be like. Even if someone says they want you to be yourself, think about it, they really don't. As hard as that may be to swallow, too bad it's true. Anything that you do that someone can't agree with or understand they will ultimately deny or turn away from. So, I decided today I will start a fast away from all connected drama that life has become. Here and now where privacy is the past and all dirty laundry is on the line if you put it there or where you can become somebody great to complete strangers. Some days I feel like somebody great because those kind strangers give me a reason to, but sadly those who I have known and thought I was closer to have given me reason not to. After realizing, and maybe thinking too much, it has come to my attention that I am my bestfriend because I am who will be there even when the cellphone doesn't ring or give me a notification that I was waiting for. Silence has become something I have learned I need to endure. By embracing this solitude I can feel something peaceful and fulfilling. Lets face it, silence does not always mean peace. It seems like when its quiet there is more time to get wrapped up in thoughts. Since we are the only ones with our thoughts at any given moment, we are the only ones who can turn them around or be consumed by them to manifest a feeling. All of the attention given to others over self could be more focused on self and bring us much needed fulfilling revelation. How have we become so dependent on the internet that we are so absorbed in devices scrolling images and statuses of not so well thought out thoughts? Life is boring because we are becoming lazier not because there is nothing better we could be doing with our time then to sit and post. Today I'm going to make it a point to step away, it's been 5 days away from Facebook and today I extend it around all the networks. I will be taking notes and updating my progress, in the end. Not sure how long I will be led to do this but I will continue as long as I feel is necessary.

Thanks to all of you who do support me mentally, and emotionly. Love and peace. See you around. <3

#SocialMediaFast

Friendship and Anger

Reflecting on how so many people in this world just don't know how or when to let go after years of something that was not that big of a deal in the first place. In addition, that had nothing more to do with the fact that the person may have been dealing with social awkwardness and a possible severe mental condition that resulted in destructive behavior. Like many, I have made some shotty choices in my life and it has reflected friendships that simply weren't strong enough to handle the bumps along the way. I find most will hold onto anger and be in your life now simply to watch you fail for their own joy to be fulfilled. I don't think anything justifies purposely hurting someone who may have hurt you unknowingly or even knowingly in the past. To have a more fulfilling life, it is necessary to "Let go and let God" because karma is always the result of someone purposely doing something to someone else or bad intentions altogether. You should not be friends with someone you do not like or think you are better than and I find this is the result of American culture. People will be friends with someone just because their lives are not as "Great" as theirs because of their complex or competitive nature, so they feel better about their own. I guess whatever makes you strive to be successful can be your own pride which does not necessarily come from the best intentions or focus on the feelings of others. "Success" may not be something that runs in a lot of families but this is something that we need to ask: What is "Success" to them? Maybe they feel that they are successful for holding a job and raising a family where as others success derives from money and material things. Who knows? All I can reflect and be grateful for are those who do care for my wellness and unconditionally love me despite the childish nature of what love and fun used to be to me. Unlike many, I would not expect people to feel sorry for me when I know I made the bed I lay in everyday and would never use my unfortunate past or mental condition to get attention. Common people will serve money and government and not God in this Nation. The idea of what America should be and what it has become is so off base, somewhere between slavery and war the "dream" got off track. There is enough negativity that holds me down everyday and would rather not have pity be one of them. May I ignore those who find it so easy to ignore me and move past those who do not forgive or understand because these are the truly unfortunate. Here are two reflections of photos I snapped in addition to quotes added.

Death by Right, Love by Choice.