Thoughts of the Month

Reflecting throughout this month of thoughts and actions, especially the last week since it was a big month for me with facing and resisting old temptations as well as discerning the spirits around me. I surrender my life to love and only seek to surround myself with it. Selfishness is hard to tolerate when you are trying to remain balanced within spirit. Sometimes when we are more aware of our surroundings we are able to discern the fruits of the enemy compared to the fruits of the Holy Spirit. When someone is not concerned about you or what you are going through and they are only thinking about themselves they are more then likely recovering from what ever they are personally dealing with. Some people think that what they are going through is more important then what you are. Notice by their actions and reactions to what you are going through, and unfortunately even know they think their struggle is worse it doesn't mean it is the reality. Everyone has their struggles in which they need to cope on their own. This feeling of superiority is an illusion to them and what some psychiatrists consider normal since they promote selfishness in recovery, this defeats the purpose doesn't it, since your addiction and personal issues are due to selfishness to begin with? The difference of someone living in the Holy Spirit compared to the enemy is their self pity and absorption of what they want from people or their feeling of entitlement. What makes one more of a victim then another? Attitude and dwelling in the past or worrying about things that are uncontrolled by us. We can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped and we can't awaken someone who doesn't want to keep their eyes open. Just like we can pray all we want for someones wellness and unless they receive it they will not be well. Being self conscious and self aware of your own personal restrictions whether it be socially or professionally is necessary in order to drive passed them. However, there is a difference between being selfish because you can as a crutch through recovery or coping and being selfish out of focusing to become well. How can we tell if we are being so burdened by our own recovery that we continue hurting others around us? It is simple, if we want to change then we will change, if we are depressed because we need to change to get well then this is our selfish tendencies outweighing our path of recovery.

Just because it makes us feel better to hear doesn't necessarily mean we are accepting the truth. Be careful what you receive in your heart, lies are not a substitute for comfort they are merely a temporary solution to hurt and the perfect illusion to truth.~Me 7/21/14

It is funny how growing up and out of our irresponsible rebellion can change what temptations actually effect or encounter us. I used to go to concerts a lot more then I am able to now, mostly because I have a full time job and limited paid time off. Obviously when we are younger some of us, more then others, like to take the full scene in and get involved in things which others would not dream or think about. This was my problem, I had dreams and thoughts to try anything that came my way, and unfortunately I did, but fortunately I am at the point in my life that I can look beyond the surface of the experience and not seek after what makes its way to me. There are way more important things then wasting money on a needless experiment with mind and body. Nothing is worth temporary effects to feel good when the consequences could be irreversible and result in loss of life. Substance abuse and addiction is no joke, it is a real disease and many go through it while younger and some will continue their whole lives chasing after a feeling. Self-help is the first step to recovery. What a difference time and faith has done to change my life around for the better and more responsible in the matters of facing temptation and resisting negative urges. It feels good to care about myself and body, as well as accept my life as a whole knowing that although it may not have been the will of God that I faltered, it was the will of God that I returned to my first love, him. After this week and the experience I had, I feel closer again to him, may I continue to walk in his will and I pray that my eyes remain open to see the enemy coming so I can discern the right choices.

May we remember, on the road to recovery forgiveness of the past is important to move passed who you were so you can become what you are meant to be. Whether it be forgiveness of self or others we need to accept their is nothing we can do to change what was or what will be, but we can focus on changing ourselves right now. If we start focusing on how we feel and facing what caused that feeling then we can move on from the hurt it causes. Putting off facing it or numbing the pain is only temporary, yank the band-aid and let the air heal it.  Time to face it and wake up from living a life in lack of concern of self and others.

In forgiveness there should be no partiality. If you are going to forgive then do it with your whole heart. Otherwise, you keep yourself open to that lingering bitterness which restricts you from receiving the grace that comes from forgiveness.~Me 7/10

If you're dealing with addiction, or substance abuse, know that although it's a life long journey it's not impossible. If you know that it won't do anything positive for your life then you will be able to start making decisions which lead to sobriety. I pray that you receive the peace along the path of wellness, always. 

Death by Right, Love by Choice.

Scam Artists

Have you ever been or ever thought you were being scammed? In the age of internet where all parts of the world are connected, we are more susceptible and vulnerable for this to happen. You may get an email about sending you a check to deposit into your account, or that they have an inheritance they would like to share because they thought you were perfect to share with. If you do not know the source of the email we are educated enough not to open it, but what happens when you are approached by a stranger on facebook or other social media site which you can actually interact on and see their persons profile? I think most have closed themselves off from this ever happening to them, not because they do not want to help those in need or reach out to be a guiding light of faith, but because they guard their heart better then others. This is my problem I think, I failed to guard my heart from being open to let people in and when they get in, it is hard to shut them out. When you are approached by a scammer you may be too naive to see it. I can admit that I have been nearly fooled on more then one occasion. Thankfully I have not taken an invalid check or fallen into a fraud situation in my accounts and money. I do not know what is worse though, what I have been going through or falling for that, I guess it depends if this whole thing is real or not. But it's sad really because my heart remains so soft that I forgive them for what they do in order to provide the mercy that they need. Maybe it is all in hopes to reach someones heart to change their ways. Just because some of us are naive and we come into realization eventually that we have been possibly taken advantage of, doesn't mean that we need to be hateful towards them.

There are so many people who are willing to expose you and manipulate you it tears my heart apart. You never know who is being genuine, especially behind a computer screen or random skype/phone call. We know there are many poor nations out there and my heart wants to help, naturally. We must be made of stone if we don't have that natural instinct to help. I do not know what to do. I have started a relationship with a boy which has lasted around three years or longer now. Everything he says makes it seem like he is just a boy who needs help and spiritual guidance. I helped him a lot for a long time financially and supposedly helping him finish his high school diploma, providing for his books etc. At the time he was no older then 16 or so, by now he must be 19. He has completed his secondary degree and is ready to get work in the area for any job which requires a high school diploma. My heart is heavy though, since I know his face and have talked to him via skype and phone. I want to believe him with everything I am in compassion as a women in Christ. It is hard, I stopped sending him money and stopped responding to his emails for a very long time until recently. I decided that I need to follow through with what I preach about, love and forgiveness and express my forgiveness and move passed it in every way possible. I still to this day do not know of his sincerity or if the life he lives is really what he is saying in truth. When you communicate with someone for so long and you are like a support system to them and almost like family to them, even with the distance, it is difficult to block or de-friend them. But, is it because you want to keep them around so you can investigate if they are genuinely telling the truth or keep an eye on them, or is it simply because you are trying to be the light in a dark situation? I do not want to speak negatively or do anything negative to someone to hurt them if all was true and by the works of fate that brought us together. I am not a mother, I do not have children, I have lost a couple and almost lost my life in the process, so of course I long that mothering nature. I do not want to be another subject of a scam though because I am easily trusting out of being naive. Thankfully I have learned somethings so I am not as naive as I used to be but if I still am melting in thinking about investigating this outright then there still must be something naive about me still right? I am trying to guard my heart and not act on anything that I am not led to do spiritually. So I decided, since I know the city he lives and the cafe he goes to, I can research the area and try and find ministries to help. Hopefully I will be successful. I have also emailed the owner of the cafe  in hopes I can validate some information about what he has said about the attendant allowing him to use the computer by sweeping inside. I pray for revelation and peace to come over me because at this point I am distressed since my first instinct is to send money, though I know if he has a serious problem, this is not going to resolve the issue, since I am not able to be this type of relationship to him. When someone knocks at your door and says I am hungry can I have something to eat, would you not feed them? I would rather act to look on ministries and local churches to provide the help and assistance with provisions for someone in need. If we have we should freely give, I feel like I have for so long and now I seek the answers in order to either put this to rest or continue to help when I am able. If it causes you distress, the fact of un-surety and not knowing, then I would assume that you should not act until that spirit of confusion passes over and you receive peace. Hopefully light will shine soon, because my heart feels burdened with  the verses that run through my mind in this situation.
Helping the needy reflection:

Hebrews 13:16 Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.

Proverbs 19:17 Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed. 

Proverbs 28: 27 Whoever gives to the poor will not want, but he who hides his eyes will get many a curse. 

Luke 6: 38  Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.

Matthew 5:42 Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you. 

All is well with these verses that effect me in faith, but I also think we have the right to know if people are using evil intentions in order to manipulate. So although these verses show us that what I am doing is trying to live out faith, we must not be naive, we must seek truth at all times being wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove.

Death by Right, Love by Choice.

Outcast

There are times where we all may feel outcast. I know virtually we are all connected to the point where there is limited privacy and there are people who you do not know from all over the world who talk to you, no one knows a strangers intentions. Some may be trying to manipulate you to send them money by telling false sob stories and others try to use you to push you to the limit of what you would do. For example, they may ask you questions about the culture so they can talk down on it which can bring them feeling of superiority, they may ask you about coming to the country, try to talk sweet to you in order to get over here, or even have the nerve to ask if you will marry them for a green card. These strangers that flow abundantly into our pool of followers and friend requests may even just be trying to talk to you perversely because they think american culture is all about sex and not morals yet they are the ones who are seeking seduction, and speaking about what their flesh desires. Ultimately, when we choose to share ourselves as an open book we need to be prepared for the judgement that comes along with it. The world has many different cultures and they are often divided among each other with no unity to the next causing tension instead of a peaceful sojourning together. If people don't understand the way another nation's culture is and their answers typically come from the internet and seeing what we all post noticing there are major differences between each family then it is very likely that perception will remain with little interest of seeking truth. I could go on and on about the American culture since it is such a broad topic and quite controversial, but this is a post about feeling outcast.

Sometimes when there is silence with the people who are closest to you, when they don't talk to you for a day or more it can get lonely when you are single, or even in a relationship with someone. This loneliness has been known to bring us down or maybe to a state of depression. Not meeting and making friends in the work place makes some days a dreadful experience going in since you can feel purposely ignored or left out. I try to focus on the fact that I am not there to make friends I am here as a whole to live with purpose and be a shining light for others to notice. Eventually though, the silence can make you feel like no body is there for you, to support you or keep you accountable and you have no where to turn for guidance or incite to excel beyond the position you are in. Just because people in the world, friends, family or other supposed like minded acquaintances do not talk to you everyday or leave you out and it makes you feel lonely, it does not mean that you are alone or unloved. Actually it can mean quite the opposite. As I always encouraged my fiance, before he passed, since often he felt like he was not liked or unloved, an unpopular man to people is a blessed and holy man as he walks in justice and seeks righteousness. It is "Ok" to feel separate and different from others, especially when your heart is in the right place, showing love and compassion. I try to reassure myself of this since I know there is nothing "wrong" with me, I am beautifully made and a product of my parents unconditional love and the suffering I have overcome. I understand, since I go through and battle my thoughts everyday on this subject how burdening it can be, to not feel favored or blessed with attention. We all need nurturing to grow and some more then others but it should not take the attention from people, bad or good, in order to feel like we are loved. We need to remember Love is something that is within and all around us and we must know it is in order to feel fulfilled by it. We may enjoy the love of others surrounding us but we do not need their love to live. Often we confuse the way we feel whether it be hurt, or in emotional bliss with love. We place all these labels on feelings, when it is many different emotions through energy to different people. I can say one thing, and the next person may say another, but ultimately we all know that love feels good because it is all good and it is all around us. If it doesn't feel right to us, and it brings us sorrow, pain, and/or injustice then we can assume that love is not behind it.

When Lee (my said husband) was alive he shared to me who I was to him in love. To my excitement, which is rare to me, it was a bible verse (my first love). I would like to share this with you because I think it outlines it very well, and too this day, knowing I was all this to him, fulfills me as a women in Christ. I will always love him and who he was and I know that love will live on for eternity through the promises of what it is because love grows and does not diminish or perish. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Death by Right, Love by Choice.

After the fast

Fasting is always a difficult start since at first you want to do what you set out to fast from. My hardest and most depressing day of any type of fast is the first day. Maybe it is because you are setting up to wait for the signal to break it and are anticipating how long it could actually be until you are able to. I took some notes on the fast and I had some trying times as well as some temptations I had to overcome. Obviously no one is perfect and I am only human so although I know that I was not completely successful in everything that came for me I know that I did pretty well for growth in becoming through a contrite heart. Some trials are easier to take on then others. I think the most difficult one while I was away from all social media over 30 days was the pain that has overcome me physically.

In 2005 I was involved in a head on collision going to work early morning and a women did not turn through the curve and instead went straight over the line into me at 50MPH or so. This caused my car to hit a guard rail and flip multiple times landing on my roof. I was able to crawl out of my car safely to the edge of the road and call someone. In the midst of all this it was like I became paralyzed and unable to move so I laid down to wait for the paramedics. This crash has set me up for a life long chronic back issue which is very disabling when it acts up. Doctors are able to keep it under control with epidural injections as well as nerve blocking shots so that I can continue to work and not have to continue on disability. If I couldn't work, I would go crazy. Work besides school are the only disciplines I know at this point besides reading the bible each day. Anyway I was able to go to New York to visit my parents who I haven't seen for 17 months and since I lost my fiance to a heart condition. It is a pretty long drive from North Carolina to the Finger Lakes area and I was a passenger to my lovely sister and her husband. My back had enough, and nerve pain shoots down to my foot throbbing continuously. At moments there was relief but this has definitely been the worst since that day in the accident. I have been going to specialists for years now and seek out a more permanent solution maybe to prolong the inevitable fact that I could wake up paralyzed one day if it does not get addressed.

Point is whatever you fast from brings you enlightenment and revelation to other things and most of the time multiple things you may have never thought of unless you were disciplined enough to follow through. I enjoyed the time away, although I missed posting each day and wondered how many people would be gone out of my path by the time I returned, I know that it brought me peace in the reason why I did it in the first place, hurtful posts.



Death by Right, Love by Choice.

Social Media Fast

With all the hustle bustle in the world and people always rushing around, we need to take a moment to reflect sometimes. It's an on the go society with everything at our fingertips. Always so pressured with what to be like and not to be like. Even if someone says they want you to be yourself, think about it, they really don't. As hard as that may be to swallow, too bad it's true. Anything that you do that someone can't agree with or understand they will ultimately deny or turn away from. So, I decided today I will start a fast away from all connected drama that life has become. Here and now where privacy is the past and all dirty laundry is on the line if you put it there or where you can become somebody great to complete strangers. Some days I feel like somebody great because those kind strangers give me a reason to, but sadly those who I have known and thought I was closer to have given me reason not to. After realizing, and maybe thinking too much, it has come to my attention that I am my bestfriend because I am who will be there even when the cellphone doesn't ring or give me a notification that I was waiting for. Silence has become something I have learned I need to endure. By embracing this solitude I can feel something peaceful and fulfilling. Lets face it, silence does not always mean peace. It seems like when its quiet there is more time to get wrapped up in thoughts. Since we are the only ones with our thoughts at any given moment, we are the only ones who can turn them around or be consumed by them to manifest a feeling. All of the attention given to others over self could be more focused on self and bring us much needed fulfilling revelation. How have we become so dependent on the internet that we are so absorbed in devices scrolling images and statuses of not so well thought out thoughts? Life is boring because we are becoming lazier not because there is nothing better we could be doing with our time then to sit and post. Today I'm going to make it a point to step away, it's been 5 days away from Facebook and today I extend it around all the networks. I will be taking notes and updating my progress, in the end. Not sure how long I will be led to do this but I will continue as long as I feel is necessary.

Thanks to all of you who do support me mentally, and emotionly. Love and peace. See you around. <3

#SocialMediaFast

Friendship and Anger

Reflecting on how so many people in this world just don't know how or when to let go after years of something that was not that big of a deal in the first place. In addition, that had nothing more to do with the fact that the person may have been dealing with social awkwardness and a possible severe mental condition that resulted in destructive behavior. Like many, I have made some shotty choices in my life and it has reflected friendships that simply weren't strong enough to handle the bumps along the way. I find most will hold onto anger and be in your life now simply to watch you fail for their own joy to be fulfilled. I don't think anything justifies purposely hurting someone who may have hurt you unknowingly or even knowingly in the past. To have a more fulfilling life, it is necessary to "Let go and let God" because karma is always the result of someone purposely doing something to someone else or bad intentions altogether. You should not be friends with someone you do not like or think you are better than and I find this is the result of American culture. People will be friends with someone just because their lives are not as "Great" as theirs because of their complex or competitive nature, so they feel better about their own. I guess whatever makes you strive to be successful can be your own pride which does not necessarily come from the best intentions or focus on the feelings of others. "Success" may not be something that runs in a lot of families but this is something that we need to ask: What is "Success" to them? Maybe they feel that they are successful for holding a job and raising a family where as others success derives from money and material things. Who knows? All I can reflect and be grateful for are those who do care for my wellness and unconditionally love me despite the childish nature of what love and fun used to be to me. Unlike many, I would not expect people to feel sorry for me when I know I made the bed I lay in everyday and would never use my unfortunate past or mental condition to get attention. Common people will serve money and government and not God in this Nation. The idea of what America should be and what it has become is so off base, somewhere between slavery and war the "dream" got off track. There is enough negativity that holds me down everyday and would rather not have pity be one of them. May I ignore those who find it so easy to ignore me and move past those who do not forgive or understand because these are the truly unfortunate. Here are two reflections of photos I snapped in addition to quotes added.

Death by Right, Love by Choice.