Thoughts of the Month

Reflecting throughout this month of thoughts and actions, especially the last week since it was a big month for me with facing and resisting old temptations as well as discerning the spirits around me. I surrender my life to love and only seek to surround myself with it. Selfishness is hard to tolerate when you are trying to remain balanced within spirit. Sometimes when we are more aware of our surroundings we are able to discern the fruits of the enemy compared to the fruits of the Holy Spirit. When someone is not concerned about you or what you are going through and they are only thinking about themselves they are more then likely recovering from what ever they are personally dealing with. Some people think that what they are going through is more important then what you are. Notice by their actions and reactions to what you are going through, and unfortunately even know they think their struggle is worse it doesn't mean it is the reality. Everyone has their struggles in which they need to cope on their own. This feeling of superiority is an illusion to them and what some psychiatrists consider normal since they promote selfishness in recovery, this defeats the purpose doesn't it, since your addiction and personal issues are due to selfishness to begin with? The difference of someone living in the Holy Spirit compared to the enemy is their self pity and absorption of what they want from people or their feeling of entitlement. What makes one more of a victim then another? Attitude and dwelling in the past or worrying about things that are uncontrolled by us. We can't help anyone who doesn't want to be helped and we can't awaken someone who doesn't want to keep their eyes open. Just like we can pray all we want for someones wellness and unless they receive it they will not be well. Being self conscious and self aware of your own personal restrictions whether it be socially or professionally is necessary in order to drive passed them. However, there is a difference between being selfish because you can as a crutch through recovery or coping and being selfish out of focusing to become well. How can we tell if we are being so burdened by our own recovery that we continue hurting others around us? It is simple, if we want to change then we will change, if we are depressed because we need to change to get well then this is our selfish tendencies outweighing our path of recovery.

Just because it makes us feel better to hear doesn't necessarily mean we are accepting the truth. Be careful what you receive in your heart, lies are not a substitute for comfort they are merely a temporary solution to hurt and the perfect illusion to truth.~Me 7/21/14

It is funny how growing up and out of our irresponsible rebellion can change what temptations actually effect or encounter us. I used to go to concerts a lot more then I am able to now, mostly because I have a full time job and limited paid time off. Obviously when we are younger some of us, more then others, like to take the full scene in and get involved in things which others would not dream or think about. This was my problem, I had dreams and thoughts to try anything that came my way, and unfortunately I did, but fortunately I am at the point in my life that I can look beyond the surface of the experience and not seek after what makes its way to me. There are way more important things then wasting money on a needless experiment with mind and body. Nothing is worth temporary effects to feel good when the consequences could be irreversible and result in loss of life. Substance abuse and addiction is no joke, it is a real disease and many go through it while younger and some will continue their whole lives chasing after a feeling. Self-help is the first step to recovery. What a difference time and faith has done to change my life around for the better and more responsible in the matters of facing temptation and resisting negative urges. It feels good to care about myself and body, as well as accept my life as a whole knowing that although it may not have been the will of God that I faltered, it was the will of God that I returned to my first love, him. After this week and the experience I had, I feel closer again to him, may I continue to walk in his will and I pray that my eyes remain open to see the enemy coming so I can discern the right choices.

May we remember, on the road to recovery forgiveness of the past is important to move passed who you were so you can become what you are meant to be. Whether it be forgiveness of self or others we need to accept their is nothing we can do to change what was or what will be, but we can focus on changing ourselves right now. If we start focusing on how we feel and facing what caused that feeling then we can move on from the hurt it causes. Putting off facing it or numbing the pain is only temporary, yank the band-aid and let the air heal it.  Time to face it and wake up from living a life in lack of concern of self and others.

In forgiveness there should be no partiality. If you are going to forgive then do it with your whole heart. Otherwise, you keep yourself open to that lingering bitterness which restricts you from receiving the grace that comes from forgiveness.~Me 7/10

If you're dealing with addiction, or substance abuse, know that although it's a life long journey it's not impossible. If you know that it won't do anything positive for your life then you will be able to start making decisions which lead to sobriety. I pray that you receive the peace along the path of wellness, always. 

Death by Right, Love by Choice.

Outcast

There are times where we all may feel outcast. I know virtually we are all connected to the point where there is limited privacy and there are people who you do not know from all over the world who talk to you, no one knows a strangers intentions. Some may be trying to manipulate you to send them money by telling false sob stories and others try to use you to push you to the limit of what you would do. For example, they may ask you questions about the culture so they can talk down on it which can bring them feeling of superiority, they may ask you about coming to the country, try to talk sweet to you in order to get over here, or even have the nerve to ask if you will marry them for a green card. These strangers that flow abundantly into our pool of followers and friend requests may even just be trying to talk to you perversely because they think american culture is all about sex and not morals yet they are the ones who are seeking seduction, and speaking about what their flesh desires. Ultimately, when we choose to share ourselves as an open book we need to be prepared for the judgement that comes along with it. The world has many different cultures and they are often divided among each other with no unity to the next causing tension instead of a peaceful sojourning together. If people don't understand the way another nation's culture is and their answers typically come from the internet and seeing what we all post noticing there are major differences between each family then it is very likely that perception will remain with little interest of seeking truth. I could go on and on about the American culture since it is such a broad topic and quite controversial, but this is a post about feeling outcast.

Sometimes when there is silence with the people who are closest to you, when they don't talk to you for a day or more it can get lonely when you are single, or even in a relationship with someone. This loneliness has been known to bring us down or maybe to a state of depression. Not meeting and making friends in the work place makes some days a dreadful experience going in since you can feel purposely ignored or left out. I try to focus on the fact that I am not there to make friends I am here as a whole to live with purpose and be a shining light for others to notice. Eventually though, the silence can make you feel like no body is there for you, to support you or keep you accountable and you have no where to turn for guidance or incite to excel beyond the position you are in. Just because people in the world, friends, family or other supposed like minded acquaintances do not talk to you everyday or leave you out and it makes you feel lonely, it does not mean that you are alone or unloved. Actually it can mean quite the opposite. As I always encouraged my fiance, before he passed, since often he felt like he was not liked or unloved, an unpopular man to people is a blessed and holy man as he walks in justice and seeks righteousness. It is "Ok" to feel separate and different from others, especially when your heart is in the right place, showing love and compassion. I try to reassure myself of this since I know there is nothing "wrong" with me, I am beautifully made and a product of my parents unconditional love and the suffering I have overcome. I understand, since I go through and battle my thoughts everyday on this subject how burdening it can be, to not feel favored or blessed with attention. We all need nurturing to grow and some more then others but it should not take the attention from people, bad or good, in order to feel like we are loved. We need to remember Love is something that is within and all around us and we must know it is in order to feel fulfilled by it. We may enjoy the love of others surrounding us but we do not need their love to live. Often we confuse the way we feel whether it be hurt, or in emotional bliss with love. We place all these labels on feelings, when it is many different emotions through energy to different people. I can say one thing, and the next person may say another, but ultimately we all know that love feels good because it is all good and it is all around us. If it doesn't feel right to us, and it brings us sorrow, pain, and/or injustice then we can assume that love is not behind it.

When Lee (my said husband) was alive he shared to me who I was to him in love. To my excitement, which is rare to me, it was a bible verse (my first love). I would like to share this with you because I think it outlines it very well, and too this day, knowing I was all this to him, fulfills me as a women in Christ. I will always love him and who he was and I know that love will live on for eternity through the promises of what it is because love grows and does not diminish or perish. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Death by Right, Love by Choice.

After the fast

Fasting is always a difficult start since at first you want to do what you set out to fast from. My hardest and most depressing day of any type of fast is the first day. Maybe it is because you are setting up to wait for the signal to break it and are anticipating how long it could actually be until you are able to. I took some notes on the fast and I had some trying times as well as some temptations I had to overcome. Obviously no one is perfect and I am only human so although I know that I was not completely successful in everything that came for me I know that I did pretty well for growth in becoming through a contrite heart. Some trials are easier to take on then others. I think the most difficult one while I was away from all social media over 30 days was the pain that has overcome me physically.

In 2005 I was involved in a head on collision going to work early morning and a women did not turn through the curve and instead went straight over the line into me at 50MPH or so. This caused my car to hit a guard rail and flip multiple times landing on my roof. I was able to crawl out of my car safely to the edge of the road and call someone. In the midst of all this it was like I became paralyzed and unable to move so I laid down to wait for the paramedics. This crash has set me up for a life long chronic back issue which is very disabling when it acts up. Doctors are able to keep it under control with epidural injections as well as nerve blocking shots so that I can continue to work and not have to continue on disability. If I couldn't work, I would go crazy. Work besides school are the only disciplines I know at this point besides reading the bible each day. Anyway I was able to go to New York to visit my parents who I haven't seen for 17 months and since I lost my fiance to a heart condition. It is a pretty long drive from North Carolina to the Finger Lakes area and I was a passenger to my lovely sister and her husband. My back had enough, and nerve pain shoots down to my foot throbbing continuously. At moments there was relief but this has definitely been the worst since that day in the accident. I have been going to specialists for years now and seek out a more permanent solution maybe to prolong the inevitable fact that I could wake up paralyzed one day if it does not get addressed.

Point is whatever you fast from brings you enlightenment and revelation to other things and most of the time multiple things you may have never thought of unless you were disciplined enough to follow through. I enjoyed the time away, although I missed posting each day and wondered how many people would be gone out of my path by the time I returned, I know that it brought me peace in the reason why I did it in the first place, hurtful posts.



Death by Right, Love by Choice.