What has brought you to this point?

          People act like it is nothing to put trust in someone enough to let them in their home, not knowing who they really are, yet find it so hard to put trust in the unknown of the unseen. Yes, these same people are so scared to have faith in spiritual unfolding but not to have faith in something that could actually harm them by welcoming someone in their life to get close without question. Doesn't seem all that logical yet we all have done it.

     In our immaturity we request things as an ultimatum, allowing our faith to diminish when not received. Yet in our maturity we have understanding that we don't get what we want at all times by these requests or even when we request them. Unfortunately if we received everything we asked for based on what we wanted, promising to do something as long as it was given to us then it would be like only being friends with someone as long as you get something out of them in return, even if you have no intention to fulfill the promise that you've made to begin with. This would be an unstable foundation to any friendship. Faith is based on placing our trust that we receive what falls within the purpose of the great design meant for us. It saddens me actually, when I look back on my own life or meet people who let things tear them away from a great life because not everything is easy to face and we must wait for an unknown amount of time for our purpose to unfold. Yes, I forgive myself since I was merely immature and I do not judge or hate anyone but I question why within ignorance we would speak first instead of think about what we're actually saying. It is important to take each day with a grain of salt not placing worry in what is behind or ahead. Sometimes it is easy to fail at this test, for me, but I know logically if the whole day I'm not able to snap out of whatever misery is holding me down, even if I have tried everything, then I'll be able to start fresh as long as a new day dawns. Patience is not easy and neither is a faith driven life. Life is a spiritual battle, everyday we must overcome and claim our victories. Spirituality doesn't unfold over night, it is meant to be pruned, waited on and patiently endured until we come to a point of harvesting the fruit. If we don't nurture growth then the growth we did have may wither or stay where we are for as long as we allow it. Just as the seasons change, we do within our maturity. To be a healthy spiritual individual we need to be persistent and not give up based on what happens in our life, the war will be and will continue, yet unless we persistently prepare before these storms we will falter the whole way through them. I don't expect to convince nor do I expect any longer that people will read or respond to my thoughts and tidbits of emotional writings, though I will continue to in my understanding of self revelation.

     My heart is heavy for all those who confuse and base their life impacting decision of overall belief and faith on a struggle that they either don't face today or that they wanted the opposite to happen. Praying in ultimatum that we would do something to receive something is like saying if you do not receive it then your life is over or you cut off the relationship just like that, not true. Why so angry over something out of your control? The reality is, we aren't always requesting something to better ourselves. Neither is the prayer the best answer for us because we don't always know whats good for us, even if we always got what we wanted. Think about it, did you always get what you wanted from your parents? I know some people have gotten most but I find it hard to believe that everything you requested from your parents growing up was in agreement with what they wanted for you. Likewise as to what your parents want for you, it doesn't always perfectly match what would be best for you and your future. Our future is unknown therefore we can't make the best present decision not knowing what the future holds, we just think we know the ideal play out and plan based on what would make life easier for us. How do we know sometimes we don't get the opposite of what we ask because of how we react to not getting it, or that we needed the test of faith in order to blossom, yet sometimes this is when people chose to let it dim them? Unfortunately, when we live outside of educating ourselves in spirituality and live in ignorance of the truth nothing is promised, everything remains meaningless, just as the possessions that collect dust and moths destroy.

     Recently, I have come to realize I let people effect me in a way I don't quite understand. I let people restrict me in conversation and my spiritual growth with them and with myself because I am passive about  their feelings, it is personal. It is important to me to keep my mouth shut and have someone come to me, mostly because I don't like making anyone feel uncomfortable. I remember praying for things as a logical give and take but we all know it simply doesn't work like this. Now I am grateful that my immature prayers were never provided. Why, because not everything we ask for is really necessary and it is not always for our greater good in our growth, like a boy, a child or job we thought would better our life. Let me hit you with a real question...how can you say you don't believe in the unseen if you believe in spirituality? Better yet, how can you say that you don't believe when you simply are unsure or are not feeding yourself within, to answer the questions with truth, by allowing your spirit to show you? My point is we shouldn't make a concrete decision on not having sustainable information or base it on others walks of life or religions. How can anyone say that we do not go anywhere when we're not actually the ones to determine this, our soul/spirit leaves this body and state of mind. There is so much more to life then the physical, I do not need you to be convinced that there is because if you would rather die and not live after death that does not effect my eternity. I just don't understand where you come from, and would love to know what the personal struggle is. I have been a friend of death before and have even kissed it multiple times, but until I realized it is an enemy that wants you to be satisfied within its eternal darkness and misery, I did not understand that life continues on through it. It shouldn't take showing or experience to have faith, gratefully I never lost faith or hope in anything, these experiences were just confirmation for me personally. Everyone is different and we all need different experiences and revelations to feel fulfilled in purpose and promise. We also need to admit that we do not know it all and surrender to the unknown otherwise we restrict ourselves in really receiving what is meant for us. I have compassion for people who don't have any relationship with themselves, enough to admit we just never know it all. If I am not meant to carry on after this life then so be it but I will never say that I will just die to nothingness, not with out a fight. there is more to me then that. Realistically you aren't even trying and you have no courtesy to your own soul based on answering what your spirit knows, yet you doubt.

   
     What makes me ill is the fact that people who claim or admit that there is nothing after this life have nothing to base their decision on besides their anger of not getting what they have wanted. Or maybe their life hasn't lived up to their fairy tale expectation, who knows, I surely don't, though I am trying to make sense of it. Nothing is perfect since we are not perfect. Life is a struggle and it throws curve balls. I have a relationship with Jesus and I live through the Holy Spirit, this helps me personally to hit those curve balls out of the park. If you don't have or don't want a personal relationship with God because you don't know for yourself or others have impacted your faith then I encourage you to seek for yourself. This is not about religion it's about seeking yourself and finding the truth on your own with support of those who love you, whether passed on or still around you. We can not know someone or something with out  getting to know them or the subject. This has nothing to do with pushing a religion, it's about knowing what is within you not always what happens and what is around you. If I based my faith on everything around me I have missed the point, I lack the understanding that I am so much more then the physical. If we don't exercise our spirit then how can we think that we will grow at all? Don't be so quick to give up your spirit to nothingness rather then knowing there is so much more.
     So I digress, what has brought you to this point in deciding as to why you won't put a little more into yourself instead of living day in and day out, year after year, not molding yourself in something more then what you see? Do you not understand that you are worth so much more then your wounds or past burdens? I pray you give your spirit the opportunity to show you, instead of quicker rejecting your spirit entirely, whether or not it is contrary to what your mind has formed as belief. Keep in mind that there is still evil and good within spirituality and it is important to be able to discern this spirit in order to not stray from what is right and true. Just because someone says they are a spiritual person does not mean they do not wish you harm. Be aware, test the spirit that leads you, to not be fooled.


A few more proverbs:

Proverbs 12:26

A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.

Proverbs 27:5-6

Better is open rebuke than hidden love.  Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

Proverbs 17:17

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Proverbs 13:20

He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.

Proverbs 27:17

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Death by Right, Love by Choice

Scam Artists

Have you ever been or ever thought you were being scammed? In the age of internet where all parts of the world are connected, we are more susceptible and vulnerable for this to happen. You may get an email about sending you a check to deposit into your account, or that they have an inheritance they would like to share because they thought you were perfect to share with. If you do not know the source of the email we are educated enough not to open it, but what happens when you are approached by a stranger on facebook or other social media site which you can actually interact on and see their persons profile? I think most have closed themselves off from this ever happening to them, not because they do not want to help those in need or reach out to be a guiding light of faith, but because they guard their heart better then others. This is my problem I think, I failed to guard my heart from being open to let people in and when they get in, it is hard to shut them out. When you are approached by a scammer you may be too naive to see it. I can admit that I have been nearly fooled on more then one occasion. Thankfully I have not taken an invalid check or fallen into a fraud situation in my accounts and money. I do not know what is worse though, what I have been going through or falling for that, I guess it depends if this whole thing is real or not. But it's sad really because my heart remains so soft that I forgive them for what they do in order to provide the mercy that they need. Maybe it is all in hopes to reach someones heart to change their ways. Just because some of us are naive and we come into realization eventually that we have been possibly taken advantage of, doesn't mean that we need to be hateful towards them.

There are so many people who are willing to expose you and manipulate you it tears my heart apart. You never know who is being genuine, especially behind a computer screen or random skype/phone call. We know there are many poor nations out there and my heart wants to help, naturally. We must be made of stone if we don't have that natural instinct to help. I do not know what to do. I have started a relationship with a boy which has lasted around three years or longer now. Everything he says makes it seem like he is just a boy who needs help and spiritual guidance. I helped him a lot for a long time financially and supposedly helping him finish his high school diploma, providing for his books etc. At the time he was no older then 16 or so, by now he must be 19. He has completed his secondary degree and is ready to get work in the area for any job which requires a high school diploma. My heart is heavy though, since I know his face and have talked to him via skype and phone. I want to believe him with everything I am in compassion as a women in Christ. It is hard, I stopped sending him money and stopped responding to his emails for a very long time until recently. I decided that I need to follow through with what I preach about, love and forgiveness and express my forgiveness and move passed it in every way possible. I still to this day do not know of his sincerity or if the life he lives is really what he is saying in truth. When you communicate with someone for so long and you are like a support system to them and almost like family to them, even with the distance, it is difficult to block or de-friend them. But, is it because you want to keep them around so you can investigate if they are genuinely telling the truth or keep an eye on them, or is it simply because you are trying to be the light in a dark situation? I do not want to speak negatively or do anything negative to someone to hurt them if all was true and by the works of fate that brought us together. I am not a mother, I do not have children, I have lost a couple and almost lost my life in the process, so of course I long that mothering nature. I do not want to be another subject of a scam though because I am easily trusting out of being naive. Thankfully I have learned somethings so I am not as naive as I used to be but if I still am melting in thinking about investigating this outright then there still must be something naive about me still right? I am trying to guard my heart and not act on anything that I am not led to do spiritually. So I decided, since I know the city he lives and the cafe he goes to, I can research the area and try and find ministries to help. Hopefully I will be successful. I have also emailed the owner of the cafe  in hopes I can validate some information about what he has said about the attendant allowing him to use the computer by sweeping inside. I pray for revelation and peace to come over me because at this point I am distressed since my first instinct is to send money, though I know if he has a serious problem, this is not going to resolve the issue, since I am not able to be this type of relationship to him. When someone knocks at your door and says I am hungry can I have something to eat, would you not feed them? I would rather act to look on ministries and local churches to provide the help and assistance with provisions for someone in need. If we have we should freely give, I feel like I have for so long and now I seek the answers in order to either put this to rest or continue to help when I am able. If it causes you distress, the fact of un-surety and not knowing, then I would assume that you should not act until that spirit of confusion passes over and you receive peace. Hopefully light will shine soon, because my heart feels burdened with  the verses that run through my mind in this situation.
Helping the needy reflection:

Hebrews 13:16 Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.

Proverbs 19:17 Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed. 

Proverbs 28: 27 Whoever gives to the poor will not want, but he who hides his eyes will get many a curse. 

Luke 6: 38  Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.

Matthew 5:42 Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you. 

All is well with these verses that effect me in faith, but I also think we have the right to know if people are using evil intentions in order to manipulate. So although these verses show us that what I am doing is trying to live out faith, we must not be naive, we must seek truth at all times being wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove.

Death by Right, Love by Choice.

After the fast

Fasting is always a difficult start since at first you want to do what you set out to fast from. My hardest and most depressing day of any type of fast is the first day. Maybe it is because you are setting up to wait for the signal to break it and are anticipating how long it could actually be until you are able to. I took some notes on the fast and I had some trying times as well as some temptations I had to overcome. Obviously no one is perfect and I am only human so although I know that I was not completely successful in everything that came for me I know that I did pretty well for growth in becoming through a contrite heart. Some trials are easier to take on then others. I think the most difficult one while I was away from all social media over 30 days was the pain that has overcome me physically.

In 2005 I was involved in a head on collision going to work early morning and a women did not turn through the curve and instead went straight over the line into me at 50MPH or so. This caused my car to hit a guard rail and flip multiple times landing on my roof. I was able to crawl out of my car safely to the edge of the road and call someone. In the midst of all this it was like I became paralyzed and unable to move so I laid down to wait for the paramedics. This crash has set me up for a life long chronic back issue which is very disabling when it acts up. Doctors are able to keep it under control with epidural injections as well as nerve blocking shots so that I can continue to work and not have to continue on disability. If I couldn't work, I would go crazy. Work besides school are the only disciplines I know at this point besides reading the bible each day. Anyway I was able to go to New York to visit my parents who I haven't seen for 17 months and since I lost my fiance to a heart condition. It is a pretty long drive from North Carolina to the Finger Lakes area and I was a passenger to my lovely sister and her husband. My back had enough, and nerve pain shoots down to my foot throbbing continuously. At moments there was relief but this has definitely been the worst since that day in the accident. I have been going to specialists for years now and seek out a more permanent solution maybe to prolong the inevitable fact that I could wake up paralyzed one day if it does not get addressed.

Point is whatever you fast from brings you enlightenment and revelation to other things and most of the time multiple things you may have never thought of unless you were disciplined enough to follow through. I enjoyed the time away, although I missed posting each day and wondered how many people would be gone out of my path by the time I returned, I know that it brought me peace in the reason why I did it in the first place, hurtful posts.



Death by Right, Love by Choice.

Friendship and Anger

Reflecting on how so many people in this world just don't know how or when to let go after years of something that was not that big of a deal in the first place. In addition, that had nothing more to do with the fact that the person may have been dealing with social awkwardness and a possible severe mental condition that resulted in destructive behavior. Like many, I have made some shotty choices in my life and it has reflected friendships that simply weren't strong enough to handle the bumps along the way. I find most will hold onto anger and be in your life now simply to watch you fail for their own joy to be fulfilled. I don't think anything justifies purposely hurting someone who may have hurt you unknowingly or even knowingly in the past. To have a more fulfilling life, it is necessary to "Let go and let God" because karma is always the result of someone purposely doing something to someone else or bad intentions altogether. You should not be friends with someone you do not like or think you are better than and I find this is the result of American culture. People will be friends with someone just because their lives are not as "Great" as theirs because of their complex or competitive nature, so they feel better about their own. I guess whatever makes you strive to be successful can be your own pride which does not necessarily come from the best intentions or focus on the feelings of others. "Success" may not be something that runs in a lot of families but this is something that we need to ask: What is "Success" to them? Maybe they feel that they are successful for holding a job and raising a family where as others success derives from money and material things. Who knows? All I can reflect and be grateful for are those who do care for my wellness and unconditionally love me despite the childish nature of what love and fun used to be to me. Unlike many, I would not expect people to feel sorry for me when I know I made the bed I lay in everyday and would never use my unfortunate past or mental condition to get attention. Common people will serve money and government and not God in this Nation. The idea of what America should be and what it has become is so off base, somewhere between slavery and war the "dream" got off track. There is enough negativity that holds me down everyday and would rather not have pity be one of them. May I ignore those who find it so easy to ignore me and move past those who do not forgive or understand because these are the truly unfortunate. Here are two reflections of photos I snapped in addition to quotes added.

Death by Right, Love by Choice.